Monaco takes two to the trash

Hispania and Mercedes both lost drivers to the edges of the track at Monaco in this morning's first practice session.
Vitantonio took the plunge first as he got a little wobbly under braking for the first chicane after the tunnel section, spearheading the front of his car into the armco. To the untrained eye his coming together with the barrier might look as if he turned in too early for the left-hander - but at All About Lewis we can confirm that it was the driver's fault entirely. 'Ant' loves his chocolate, as we can all see, and by tuning into the normally surpressed pit radio we learned that while driving through the comparitive darkness of the tunnel section the Hispania driver was sneakily eating a finger of Twix - something he wanted to hide as he emerged into the sunlight. He allegedly threw the half eaten snack down into the footwell where it became lodged under the brake pedal. Without even braking pressure 'Tonio had no choice but to throw the front of his car to the side. After taking off the front wing and biffing up the nose cone he parked up safely out of the way. In what looked like a stalling manouvre he spent more time than usual replacing his steering wheel before abandoning his car; probably looking to see if he could retrieve the offending confectionary.

The next driver to lose sight of the treacherous narrow streets of Monaco was Germany's hero in a half shell Michael "The Cobbler" Shoemaker.
After being held up (not at gunpoint) momentarily towards the end of a lap, the Godfather of ESP gave it the beans down the pit straight, only to come a right cropper at turn 1. Viewers of the BBC's "Jenson Rouge" channel rode onboard at the time of the accident to watch as the glaring goof unfolded.
It appeared that Michael's cold brakes, cold tyres and the bumpy road surface all ganged up on him in one foul swoop. Keen viewers were able to see his realisation that his entry speed was too much for the components at that particular time and at the last minute he changed his mind and tried to steer into the run-off area at the end of the straight. Sadly momentum and gravity seemed to have planned his fate for this session and the ex-Fezza champion was planted quite abruptly into the tyres. We'll have to wait and see just what the damage is to the chassis and suspension of the Grey Goose, and to see if the diff is intact. No snacks were reported to have been seen in Michael's car.

Massa looks to be a great shape this weekend - his practice times were among the fastest and he looked good throughout.
Alfonzo the great race-cheating whinging moaning feckless card trick-peddling forehead-fungus bringer of only slightly more up-beatedness than Wibba on a good day double World Champion Ferrari Life Sentence Slave harbinger of muck was looking insatiable on track. He threw the Scuderia around the swimming pool section like a man posessed - we hate to say it but he actually looked damn good throughout.
Lewis put in some consistent fast laps and led the field for a time. What's significant is he was constantly faster than Buttface. We like.
Paul Di Resta put in some good laps considering the last time he drove this circuit was in 2005 when he was 9 years old.
Wibba was seen crying his eyes out at the back of the Red Bull garage because the team only gave him 1 gear to work with. Well Mark that's what you get for being a miserable twat. Surely Seb could hook him up to get his dick sucked this weekend?

Oh - talking of the Red Bull number 1, the man Kettle went fastest. But who gives a fuck about that?

Adrian Sutil in a spot of bother

Buenos dias F1 fans! The first practice session has just started and I’m sure Mr Pepps will be filling us in on all the action.

Just a quick post to kick off the racing weekend....Milla’s blog has been speaking to Adrian Sutil following the confirmation that he is facing legal action for an incident in a nightclub following the race in Beijing. "It is a difficult time, but there are always difficult situations, but I have to live with it" he said. "I'm here in Barcelona looking forward to the race and hoping for a really good race weekend". As long supporters of the German driver, all of us at It’s All About Lewis are fully behind Adrian.

In other news, one of the drivers we’ve not always been so supportive of has signed a new contract to race with Ferrari until the end of the 2016 season. And no, it’s not Massa.

F1: Red carpet alert

Today Milla's Blog can exclusively reveal that the eagerly anticipated documentary Senna will be released in the UK on 3rd June.

We'll be at the world premier and will bring you all the gossip from the red carpet.

Milla's blog: It's like Perez Hilton but for F1

This is the first of a new series taking you behind the scenes to find the latest gossip in all things F1, and Lewis.

First up. It was announced this week that Lewis' girlfriend Nicole Scherzinger will host the US version of X Factor. This is great news. We'll be seeing less of Nicole during races jumping up and down in the garage, clapping and blowing kisses to the camera.

The Sunday Times published the 2011 Rich List this weekend and 7 of the top 11 richest sportsmen are, or were, racing drivers.

Now....back to the racing. Spain is up next and as I write we've only got three and a half days to wait until practice. All the drivers are looking forward to this circuit and I spoke to a few of them this week.

Lewis told me “Barcelona has traditionally been the start of Formula One’s European season, and we’re optimistic that we’ll once again be back in the fight for the big points this weekend." Vitaly Petrov at Renault explained "It’s going to be an interesting weekend because everyone knows this track quite well, so it will be a close fight and the lap time gaps will be quite small.”

Lewis' former McLaren team mate and arch nemesis Alfonso refused to give me an interview after I exposed him last year as a liar following the "Alonso is faster than you" scandal.

Join me later in the week for part 1 of my exclusive and explosive interview with Lewis as he lifts the lid on the real Hamilton; what happens between the races; does Mark Webber ever stop moaning; and what he really thinks of Jenson Buttface.

Completely nuts and what a load of spanners

So the weekend came and went and with it the spectacularly under-attended Turkish GP. This race is like the one night stand you never want anyone to know about; its a great ride but nobody really seems to like it. Practice sessions brought about a change of weather to confuse mechanics, bosses and drivers alike. None more so than young Sabastian Vettel. It seems the cheeky German lad went out of his way during first practice to earn himself the 'heini' badge amongst his supporters by attempting to do a donut in the middle of turn 8 in the second sector - a place even this guy would think twice about pulling such a stunt.
The team recovered the car back to the pit lane and hastily put up boards to protect the contents of the Red Bull garage. Christian Horner was overheard saying to Vettel that if the mechanics couldn't fix the car in time the German party popper would have to complete the remaining races of the season in a different set of wheels.
Meanwhile Whitmarsh had told Jenson Butthead that he wasn't allowed out in P1 because a mechanic had found a few clumps of dandruff in the MP4-26.
Michael 'The Cobbler' Shoemaker took to the track only to find out he'd completely forgotten how to drive. (This isn't strictly true. Michael, you're spending too much time looking for the ESP button on the steering wheel. Dude give up and go ride some horses - Ed)
Maaaaaak Wibbaaaaa was his usual 'bi-polar in a slump' self this weekend and consequently drove reasonably well.

Qualifying brought with it previously unseen levels of excitement, none of which I saw because I was helping prepare some food for home guests.

More about the race later.